


The Light, With You

by valorikei



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Bullying, Children, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Fluff, Fluffy Ending, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Growing Up, Growing Up Together, Light Angst, Other, Pronoun Change, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 20:02:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7521187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valorikei/pseuds/valorikei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Why do you wear that dress to school?" , "Why do you think?" // RusAme, sad fluffy one shot about growing up and discovering yourself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Light, With You

**Author's Note:**

> Based loosely on the music video "The Light", by HollySiz!  
> I've had this story sitting in my WIPs folder for over a year and decided it was just about time to post it up. 
> 
> Please note: this story dabbles in gender related issues, bullying, and minimal verbal abuse. If these things are upsetting to you, please read at your own discretion.

“Oh, dear, I guess I’ll have to throw this one away too,” Katyusha sighed from where she sat on her floor, partially packed boxes of clothes and keepsakes littered around her room. She sighed and crumpled the dress up into a little ball, pushing it into the white trash bag next to her. She had hit a huge growth spurt and hardly any of her old clothes fit her anymore, but it was still such a shame to have to throw such cute outfits away…

But, of course, they had to fish out all sorts of things they didn’t need for the move, as they’d be transferring into a smaller home with less closet space. She picked up the next thing from her drawer, holding it up to her swollen chest with an unhappy sigh. Just then her door creaked open a tiny bit, her younger brother backing himself into the room with a smile, carrying a glass of milk and a small bowl of lemon cookies.

“Katya, papa said to take a little break!” he chirped, sitting down slowly next to her as he eyed the glass in his hand, very careful not to spill any. Katyusha smiled and took a cookie from the bowl, sighing as she looked around at the big mess she still had to sort through. Ivan took a cookie for himself, eating it in a single bite. After a moment of watching her sad expression, he quietly offered up a, “Do you need help?”

Smiling at her sweet little brother, Katyusha pulled him into a motherly embrace, Ivan hugging her back as she started to stroke his hair. “It’s just a little hard to go through and throw everything away… So many of my dresses are still so pretty but I can’t wear them anymore…” she sighed another melancholy sigh and picked up the last dress in the drawer, a purple one with little white flowers along the poof sleeves and the trim, with a square neckline pulled together with a white drawstring. The skirt was a circle cut, one of Katyusha’s favorites since it would billow out when she spun around. As she was holding it up though, she glanced at her little brother, her eyes narrowing as she compared the purple of the dress to the soft porcelain color of his skin… “This one would look good on you, Vanya.”

“What?” he huffed indignantly, crossing his arms and sulking from the insult. Katyusha giggled at his expense, scooching a little closer with it. “But dresses are for girls! I don’t want to wear it!”

“Would you try it just for me?” Katyusha whimpered, her eyes starting to water a little bit. Seeing her hurt expression made Ivan’s heart clench and eventually he gave in, snatching it from her with a deep frown as he looked at the girly thing. Well, the fabric was pretty soft… And it’s not like anyone would see him in it…

“Fine,” he huffed, but his blush was all the proof Katyusha needed to see he was actually getting a little excited at the prospect of trying it on. He stood up and hurried out to the bathroom in the hall, slamming the door and locking it behind him as Katyusha waited in her room with a knowing smile.

She had to admit, when Ivan still hadn’t returned after ten minutes she thought maybe he might be having difficulties putting it on; but, eventually, he emerged with the purple dress hanging easily off his hips, the neckline a little strained since his shoulders were broader than hers, but other than that the dress looked exquisitely charming on his boyish frame. Katyusha giggled and clapped her hands as Ivan slowly walked back to her room, his expression mostly blank.

“Aw, Vanya! It looks so precious on you! All right, I’ve had my fun, you can take it off now.”

Ivan didn’t though, his hands fisting in the sides of the skirt as he bowed his head, a blush burning across his cheeks. He looked so embarrassed and so ashamed, and yet somewhere in there he also seemed incredibly happy. “I… I don’t want to. I think I like it.”

 

[-]

 

Children whispered and pointed behind his back, but Ivan did his best not to mind as he spooned up a little bit of applesauce from his cup, careful not to spill any on his favorite purple dress. Going to the new school was hard, but it wasn’t too much different from his last school. Making friends never had been his strong suit, but making friends while wearing his dress was proving to be a nightmare. He had tried talking to some of the other boys on the playground, asking if he could maybe join in throwing and kicking the ball around, but that only got him sneering comments and snide remarks. Someone had even grabbed his dress and tried to rip it, but luckily Ivan punched him in the face before he could.

That was the other hard part about making friends. No one wanted to be friends with the freak in the dress who beat people up because he could. It wasn’t like Ivan had wanted to break his nose!

Well, that wasn’t exactly true. That boy had been mean to him, he deserved a broken nose.

The girls hadn’t been much better, either. What girl would want to be friends with a boy who looked better in dresses than they did? At least, that’s what Ivan tried to tell himself whenever they mocked his sense of fashion and made fun of his sister’s at the same time. It wasn’t Ivan’s fault they all got a splash of yoghurt to their faces!

Suddenly not feeling very hungry anymore, Ivan packed up the rest of his lunch and pushed his chair away from his desk, the loud scraping noise drawing other people’s attention as he fixed his scarf around his neck and started to exit the classroom. Figuring a nice little walk around the halls would help clear his head, he stretched and left his backpack by his desk, figuring it would be safe there.

He wandered aimlessly for a little while, checking the clocks every so often to see how much longer he’d have until lunch was finished. While he was momentarily distracted, a boy suddenly shoved him against the trashcan, startling Ivan enough to accidentally tip the bin over as he fell.

The child’s friends all laughed with him, pointing and mocking Ivan. “Look, there’s that trashy little trash bag where he belongs, with the trash!” they laughed uproariously at the comment, Ivan blushing darkly at the insult. “Is that where you got your stupid dress? The trash?!”

Rage boiling over within him, Ivan scrambled to his feet and lunged, tackling the main aggressor if only to get pushed aside by other children, the whole group ganging up on him to beat him back. Ivan struggled vainly to get away, but it was hard to fight when people kept grabbing at the billowing dress he and his sister loved so much, yanking on it to the point Ivan even heard it tear somewhere…

Eventually he managed to get away, tears spilling from his eyes despite all of his efforts to contain them, his feet thumping loudly against the tiled ground as he raced back to the classroom. He threw the door open, marching in without looking up even as the kids inside started to snicker maliciously towards him…

He got to his desk only to find his backpack completely emptied, his notebooks ripped up and colored pencils broken in half, all of his belongings strewn about on the floor. He stared at the mess as the children laughed and pointed, their cacophony of cruelty only getting louder as he stooped to the ground to try collecting his things, the tears drying up in their tracks as he felt himself shut down into an autopilot-driven stupor.

 

[-]

 

“Vanya!” Katyusha gasped in horror when he came home, his dress tattered in places and his face a mess, bruises starting to form on his arms and legs. She hugged him tight and close to her chest, holding him even as hiccups bubbled up into choked sobs, his little hands wringing into the back of her shirt as he broke down into her chest. “What happened, Vanya?”

“T-the kids at school beat me up again, Katya,” Ivan whimpered, sniffling and pulling away to wipe the snot from under his nose before it could stain her shirt. Katyusha gasped softly and took hold of his clean hand, pulling him into the house to get him cleaned up. She sat him down on one of the kitchen stools and got their little first aid kit from the bathroom, dabbing at the tiny cuts around his elbows and knees with neosporin.

She was just finishing up with applying bandaids when their father came home, neither paying him much mind as he walked into the kitchen. He looked around in surprise, and then narrowed his eyes. “What happened  _ this _ time?” he grumbled irritably, glaring at his children. Katyusha grimaced, standing up defensively so she wouldn’t look as intimidated.

“Ivan got beat up at school today, but it wasn’t too bad, just a couple scrapes…”

“Well, maybe if he didn’t dress like such a faggot he would be treated like a normal kid,” Winter Braginsky snarled at his 8 year old son, Ivan wincing and hugging himself as if that would somehow protect him from his father’s cruel and piercing words. Winter gripped his hair and yanked on it until Ivan relented and jerked his head back to stare at him, Katyusha gasping as she tried to stop their father. “Don’t ever wear that filthy thing again. If I see you in it one more time, there will be consequences. Now, go to your room.”

Tears falling all over again, Ivan ran up to his room and slammed the door, Katyusha staring after him in stunned silence.  _ Oh, Ivan… If only people took a chance on you, then maybe they’d understand... _

 

[-]

 

Ivan walked to school in jeans and a shirt the next day, his backpack bulging and heavy on his stress-weighted shoulders as he trudged up to the schoolyard. Most kids didn’t even notice him now that he wasn’t as much of a target, but those that did whispered in quiet confusion about him. At least the torment had taken a momentary pause. He sat through the first part of the day without incident, but at recess stole away to the bathroom, pulling his dress on and standing in front of the mirror for a long time.

Why were people so upset over him wearing something as simple as a little dress? He wasn’t hurting anyone with it, right? Well, not including the people that hurt him first… He sniffled, struggling to work up a smile. Why was this so painful? He just liked to wear dresses, who wouldn’t? They were flowy and cute and easy to run in; they were just so much fun, so why was everyone so mean to him about it?

He whimpered and bit down on his lower lip as tears started to prick his eyes again. Maybe he should just take the dress off for good… It probably wasn’t worth going through all of this pain, anyway…

Just then the bathroom door opened and Ivan panicked, yelping as he rushed into one of the small stalls, scrubbing at his eyes as he tried to reign his sobs back under control. He saw but a glimpse of golden wheat hair and glasses enter the bathroom before he slammed the door and locked it, knowing it was too late to hide completely.

The boy made a confused noise as he hesitated by the entryway, Ivan struggling even harder to refrain from crying. Each sniffle echoed like a thunderclap in his ears, and he knew he was doing a pretty terrible job at keeping quiet in the otherwise silent bathroom.

“Uhm… are you okay in there?” the little boy asked curiously, standing right outside the stall, cornering Ivan within the confines of the too-small space. Ivan sniffled and scrubbed at his eyes, his chest aching from how much he tried to not make a sound. The boy didn’t move away, just waiting to be answered. “Hello…?”

It was then Ivan recognized him to be one of the boys that hung out with the bullies that just loved to taunt and tease him. Granted, he was one of the ones that only threw pebbles, and only if they were pushed into his hands first. Ivan’s simmering rage bubbled up into a boil and he lurched towards the door, his butter fingers jerking the lock out of place before he flung the door open, the other little boy stumbling backwards from the force of Ivan’s sudden outburst.

“Oh, what do you care?!” Ivan shouted at him furiously, tears dripping down his face as his soft and gentle hands clenched into bullied and trembling fists. The boy’s big blue eyes got even bigger as Ivan straightened up, his jawline quivering as he clenched it shut, nose and eyes red and leaking as he stood proudly over him. “You never cared! None of you care about me!”

His shout echoed uncomfortably off of the tiled walls, the reflected sound ringing in his ears as his voice broke, a smile cracking his face in half as he rolled his head back, eyes wide as a cold and unsettling emotion settled in his belly. “Do I offend you? Do I make you uncomfortable? Is this why you hurt me?” he spit each word out cruelly, his questions like knives stabbing into the boy on the ground, the child wincing with each one as Ivan’s powerful voice gained volume and momentum. “I am not your punching bag! I’m a person, I have feelings too! I don’t understand why everyone wants to hurt me! I just like my dress, what’s wrong with that?! Why does  _ everyone _ hate me?!”

“I-Ivan?” the boy trembled beneath him, and his hesitation cut down Ivan’s shouting in an instant. The boy in the dress just blinked for a minute, shocked at the realization that people knew him by his name and not by the cruel things they compared him to. Trembling, he turned swiftly on his heels and slammed the door to the stall again, hiding his face in his hands as a fresh wave of tears crashed into him.

“Just go away! Don’t you hate me? Just leave me alone!” he sobbed bitterly into his hands, sliding to the ground so he could cry more comfortably on the floor. From the scraping of tennis shoes against tiles, he could hear the boy stand up slowly, Ivan sniffling and tracking him from the sounds he made. The blond stood there for a minute before taking a step closer, resting his hand on the door to the stall.

“I... I don’t-- why do you wear that dress to school?” he asked that stupidly innocent question, the genuine curiosity churning the pain and the sadness in Ivan’s gut even more. Ivan took a couple of shuddering breaths, having a difficult time breathing through his tears.

“W-why do you think? I like it! It’s just a pretty dress! I never hurt anyone with it!” he shouted quietly, wanting to be more forceful about it but only managing to make his voice crack like a weakling’s. He curled up tighter, sniffling and blowing his nose into some toilet paper so he wouldn’t get his scarf dirty. “I-it’s just a dress! I just like it! Why is that so bad?!”

“I-it’s not bad?” the boy replied after a quiet minute, sounding confused at Ivan’s words. Struck by the hesitant statement, the smile on Ivan’s face splintered wider to let breathy and horribly unamused giggles spill out from his mouth, the laughter demented and warped.

“If it’s not bad then why does everyone make fun of me and throw things at me and try to beat me up? J-just go play with your  _ friends _ ,” he whimpered, bowing his head as he gave up trying to reason with the stupid child. He wanted to add a little ‘ _ I hate you’ _ at the end, but it didn’t sit well in his mind and he knew it wouldn’t sit well on his tongue.

“Are you sure…?” he asked quietly, as if for some reason Ivan would  _ want _ to be within a foot of one of his numerous bullies. Getting angry again, Ivan turned and slammed his fist on the door to the stall, making the boy jerk backwards.

“Get out!” he screamed, a tear falling for each frightened footstep away from him he heard his bully take in his retreat.

 

[-]

 

“Alfred, eat your supper,” Arthur ordered sternly as he looked over the newspaper, his partially-eaten piece of toast poised near his mouth as his soup cooled in front of him. His other son had finished eating a few minutes ago, clearing his bowl and standing on tiptoe to put it in the sink as Alfred continued to stare at his dish.

“Daddy?” he asked after a moment, looking up nervously to his father as Arthur raised an eyebrow and gave him a quick glance over his reading glasses. Alfred winced somewhat, but had built up his resolve and would not be so quick to lose it again. “Can we go shopping after dinner?”

“Shopping? Why, what for?” Arthur huffed, frowning at the bizarre request. Alfred wanted to go shopping instead of to the baseball field or outside to climb the trees like he usually did? Alfred blushed and picked up his spoon, dipping it into his soup to stir the cold liquid.

“Well, uhm… there’s this boy in my class who wears a dress to school. Kids keep making fun of him for it and… and I think maybe they wouldn’t if I wore a dress, too,” Alfred explained hesitantly, keeping his eyes averted from Arthur’s in case his father didn’t like his idea. “And I mean… he seems like he might be nice, and I think I might be able to be his friend, so, uhm… Daddy, could you buy me a dress?”

Arthur took a very long time to process the bizarre request before folding up his newspaper and setting it down on the tabletop, Alfred’s twin glancing at the two of them curiously from where he stood in the middle of the kitchen. He regarded Alfred’s serious and honest expression for a while before deeming it to be genuine. “You want a dress?” he repeated just to make sure he wasn’t hearing things. Alfred’s shy little nod proved he wasn’t. Sighing, he checked his watch and scrunched his bushy eyebrows together. “We’ll have to go now, the stores will be closing soon. Matthew, I’ll buy you a new toy if you’d like to come with us.”

Gasping excitedly, Alfred slid down from his chair and ran to Arthur, hugging him tightly and excitedly. “Thank you, daddy!”

 

[-]

 

Ivan opened the boy’s bathroom door slowly, peeking out at the hallway to see if the coast was clear. Spotting an opening, he slipped out and fluffed his scarf up a little bit more as he made his way to class, honestly a little surprised at the lack of people around. As he passed a window, he looked out onto the play yard, seeing a pretty normal staging of kids, everyone collected in groups…

One group staring and pointing at a young blond kid with a blue ribbon in their hair, a sky blue blouse looking cute paired with the frilly and poofy tutu-esque dark blue skirt. The child was holding one of the kick-balls, just staring at the crowd of kids laughing at and mocking… him? With a gasp, Ivan rushed towards the nearest exit right as the other kids started to leave the blond behind.

When he got outside he could tell the boy had been crying a little bit, the evidence being the speckled water spots dotting the top of his blouse. He caught sight of Ivan and winced a little before sheepishly hugging the ball closer to his chest. “H-hey, Ivan!” he called out, giving a little wave as the other boy stopped rushing and approached more slowly, visibly shocked. Hopefully in a good way.

“It’s you?” was all Ivan could manage to say, the boy nodding excitedly when he didn’t get a bad reaction. He smiled and moved the ball to rest on his hip, grinning widely at the other boy.

“Yeah! Daddy got me this cute outfit yesterday, I thought maybe we could wear our outfits together!” he explained with a bubbly, happy voice, as if all of his earlier sadness was instantly forgotten. He got a little embarrassed, gripping the bottom of his skirt and lifting it up a ways to show off the shorts he was wearing underneath. “These things are really breezy, I think it’ll take some time to get used to them, but… they’re a lot more fun to wear than I thought they’d be!”

All of Ivan’s words were lost onto him in that moment, his lips parted in a startled ‘O’ shape as he barely even managed to blink, the entire experience completely surreal to him. The boy blushed and dropped his skirt, shyly looking down at the ground. “My name’s Alfred, by the way… Do you wanna be friends?”

 

[-]

 

“Oh, that one looks cute,” Ivan pointed, Alfred nodding slowly as he added it to their shopping cart, scrolling through the suits. They sat on Ivan’s bed, trying to pick a nice ensemble for Alfred’s dad’s wedding. Alfred remained unsettlingly quiet, Ivan glancing over frequently to gauge his expression. They continued looking through pants and suit jackets for a long time before Ivan glanced again at Alfred’s expression, only to gasp in shock.

“Wh-why are you crying?” he panicked, setting the computer aside as Alfred let out a quivering breath he had been holding in, his shoulders hunching in as his posture crumbled. Wrapping his arms around his best friend, Ivan tucked Alfred’s head protectively into his chest, hugging him tight as Alfred struggled to explain himself.

“I-it’s just so weird, Ivan!” he sobbed bitterly, whimpering and gripping the front of Ivan’s dress in his hands, letting them ball up as Ivan patiently and worriedly listened in. Struggling for breath and struggling for words, it took Alfred a while to continue. “I-I just feel so weird putting on boy clothes again… I-it just feels so wrong! I tried wearing some basketball shorts yesterday a-and it made me cry and I don’t understand why! It just feels wrong!”

Ivan grunted softly in his throat, fretting and petting Alfred’s soft hair as his best and only friend whimpered and clung to him. “I-I mean, I still like to wear pants a-and shirts, b-but boy’s clothes just.. I don’t get it, Ivan… W-why am I so sad? I feel like everytime I wear boy clothes, I-I’m not myself and i-it’s like I look like Matthew o-or even a stranger and it… It doesn’t make any sense, Ivan…”

“M-maybe we should google it, Alfred? Maybe it’s normal?” Ivan asked softly, cupping Alfred’s face as he tried to encourage him. Alfred snorted bitterly as he struggled to stop crying, his hands trembling along with the rest of his body. Ivan kissed his cheek gently to calm him down, keeping Alfred curled partially up in his lap as they closed the shopping window, pulling up google.

_ Is it normal to feel weird in your own body? _

Alfred sniffled and hugged Ivan, glancing curiously at the results of their search as Ivan kept him within his embrace while they studied and read up on the subject.

 

[-]

 

“I got you a present,” Ivan smiled to his friend and his love, sitting on the couch with a smile as the television played in the background. The birthday party consisted of just the two of them, not that either minded. He passed it over, happy to see the paper being flung off excitedly and the lid being opened.

“Oh my gosh, are these new inserts  _ and _ a new bra?!” Amelia gasped excitedly, yanking the present out of the box excitedly before almost stripping then and there, wanting to try them on right away. Ivan laughed a little, politely averting his eyes so she could change.

“Yes! I heard your last one was getting a little worn out so… happy birthday, Amelia,” he smiled at his girlfriend, Amelia grinning brightly right back as she puffed her chest out and stuffed the jelly-like fillers into the cups of her bra. “It’s a T-shirt bra too, I think that means the cups cover up a bit more so even if you wear a tank top or something, the inserts won’t be as visible…”

“Well, what’dya think? Am I a beauty to behold or what?” she giggled, making kissy lips at him as he blushed and giggled at her expense, leaning over before kissing her lips.

“The most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on,” he praised, wrapping her up in a hug as Amelia blushed and giggled bashfully, hugging him back. They embraced for a long moment before Amelia relaxed in his hold, smiling into the crook of his shoulder.

“I’m really glad I met you, Ivan,” she murmured softly, starting to draw little circles in his back along the embroidered design of his elegant dress, Ivan making an affirmative noise in his throat. “I wouldn’t have ever even thought about wearing girl clothes, I’d probably still be pretty confused about myself without you…”

“I’m glad I met you too, Amelia,” Ivan replied softly, pulling back if only to give her another kiss. He blushed at himself, looking down at the pretty dress they had spent a whole month in the summer making together. “I’m glad you love me for who I am and what I like.”

“And I’m glad you’re accepting of my transition… Y-you’re still okay with it, right?” she asked nervously, always needing that constant reassurance from her love that she was on a good path for her mental health and that she had the support of those close and important to her. Ivan’s face melted into one of blissful happiness as he nodded encouragingly, kissing her again and again.

“Of course I am. I’m helping pay for it, remember? I love you, Melya.”

“I love you too, Vanya.”


End file.
